Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson, PsyD, has been a frequent topic of conversation in my therapy office as of late. Now 10 years in print, this book is speaking to a wide swath of therapy clients (and those interested in self-help) in order to help understand the impact of emotionally difficult parents/primary caregivers.

For sake of efficiency and because it is in the title of the book, I will be using the term emotionally immature ‘parents’ throughout this article, however this really references anyone who was your primary caregiver in your early, formative years.

The damage of physical, verbal, and sexual abuse is widely researched, reported and accepted by the masses, and has been a long time focus of psychotherapy. However, what this book speaks to is something perhaps more vague, and therefore peripheral, because it deals with chronic emotional wounding, the evidence & impact of which can be harder for some to detect.

Persistent inadequate empathy often leaves people confused about their own subjectivity, creating false-selves, playing roles, lacking boundaries, and sacrificing their autonomy. And because we gather experiences as we live out our lives, coming to therapy as adults who’ve had multiple romantic relationships, jobs, moves, etc, for some it can be hard to correlate these difficulties with our childhood environment if nothing as obvious as abuse was present.

The ACE’s (Adverse Childhood Experiences) campaign has been at the forefront of linking overt harmful events to one’s mental & physical health. You can answer the ACE’s questionnaire to see if they might be impacting you.

For many the effect of emotionally immature parenting is more obscure. If you believe you grew up in a household with one or more emotionally immature parent, you can read through The Attachment Project’s blog to review the signs and identify the four types of emotionally immature parents.

Once you’ve determined that this applies to you, you can begin to make changes. As my previous blog discussed, awareness & observation need to come first. And in this case, the act of observing is helping to create the emotional distance (ie. boundary) to engage with an emotionally immature parent.

In her book, Dr. Gibson refers to this first step as detached observation. The detached part is where boundaries come in. Boundaries are the space (physical and mental) between yourself and another person. With emotionally immature parents you will often find enmeshed boundaries within the family system, where members seek their identity, self-completion, and validation from each other without much capacity for autonomy, mutuality, or deep emotional trust.

There are so many popular metaphors for boundaries, the one that seems to be most prevalent is to think of them like fences. Fences are designed to delineate between people & places- you are you over there, and I am me over here. Depending on the relationship, the moment, your mood, your goals, etc you might require a 8 foot tall fence with barbed wire on top, or a picket fence with a gate that opens & closes at your will.

If you are in a relationship with an emotionally immature parent and you want to maintain contact with them, you can start making adjustments by working with your mental and physical boundaries.

To begin establishing a boundary with an emotionally immature parent, Dr. Gibson starts by instructing you to establish your own inner mental space:

“…your job is to stay detached emotionally and observe how others behave, just like a scientist would. Pretend you’re conducting an anthropological field study. What words would you use to describe others’ facial expressions? What is their body language communicating? Does their voice sound calm or tense? Do they appear rigid or receptive? How do they respond when you try to relate? What do you find yourself feeling?” (2015, p.146)

Setting boundaries via observational detachment can be quite difficult. It requires effort and active determination on your part. If you find yourself needing even more space because of your own reactivity, she invites a physical approach to establish the boundary:

“If the other person is still getting to you, find an excuse to put some distance between you. Excuse yourself from the room for a bathroom break, play with a pet, take a walk, or run an errand. Gaze out the window and notice nature. If you’re interacting on the phone, find a pretext to get off the phone and say you look forward to talking another time. Use whatever excuse you need to take some time to get yourself back into a more detached, observational mind-set.” (2015, p.147)

There are many paths to heal from emotionally immature parents, with building awareness & creating mental and physical space being first steps. Her book goes on to share stories, provide tools, and lay out options for engaging with your parent(s) while maintaining your inner and outer peace. I wish you luck on this difficulty journey and know that ease is ahead.

Leanna Immel, LMFT, blends somatic and relationally-oriented therapies into her practice. Welcoming adults, teens and couples of all identities who are ready and eager to break cycles and start their therapeutic journey.  If you’re ready to dive into the choppy waters of therapy, and find some relief, reach out today.