There’s a simple way for couples to deepen their emotional connection, leading to a fuller understanding of your partner, yourself, and your relationship. It all starts with developing an attitude of appreciation (awe/wonder/gratitude/admiration) for various aspects of your life. And then including your partner in that.
Perhaps it’s easy for you to appreciate your favorite work of art. Or a breathtaking sunset. Or a piece of evocative music. Or your favorite novel.
And when you are right smack in the middle of that wondrous moment of awe, it is not a purely cognitive experience. You are FEELING the awe. You are FEELING the connection. You are EXPERIENCING your own appreciation. You are EXPERIENCING gratitude. This a full body-mind-heart-soul level experience that incorporates your past, present, and future self. And couples can draw from this and bring it alive in their relationship through conscious communication.
It’s the difference between cramming in some quick snacks between work tasks- and sitting down to savor each bite of your favorite meal. Yes, both are technically eating and will give you the fuel you need for the day. But only one of these gives you the FELT EXPERIENCE of nourishment that goes beyond the simple ingestion of ingredients.
Appreciating your favorite dish is tied to memories, images, and felt experiences of the people and places of your life. It lights up a constellation of experience that stays with you long after the meal is over.
Now don’t get me wrong- we need quick (emotional) snacks. They play a vital role in adult relationships. But if we want to feed our relationship so that it continues to evolve & grow over time, we also need these slow, savored moments where we EXPERIENCE the relational connection on a more expansive level. Ready to up-level your communication as a couple?
Enter: The Imago Appreciation Dialogue developed by Harville Hendrix Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt Ph.D, of Imago Relationship Therapy.
The Imago Appreciation Dialogue is a practice that helps couples move from quick compliments, to a full affirmation conversation that increases safety, intimacy, and connection.
Here’s a breakdown of the Imago Appreciation Dialogue:
Set the Stage
- Decide who is the Giver, and who is the Receiver of the appreciation.
- The Giver starts by making an appointment: I’d like to express an appreciation, is now a good time?
- Side note: If it turns out not to be a good time, the Receiver should provide an alternate, future time that is not too far off. And then keep to that commitment to engage in the dialogue.)
- If the answer is yes, make sure you are in a private space where you can maintain eye contact & connection.
Share the Appreciation
- Giver will start with the appreciation: One thing I appreciate about you is…
Mirror & Check In*
- Receiver will mirror and check in: What I heard you say is…. Did I get that right?
- Giver can either add or clarify the appreciation.
- Receiver will continue to mirror & check in until the Giver feels like you get it.
- Receiver will then add curiosity: Can you tell me more about that?
- Giver: Yes, when I see you do that I feel… Or When I see that in you, I feel.…
- Receiver will continue to mirror & check in: What I heard you say is…. Did I get that right?
- Receiver will add opportunity for deepening: How is that the same or different than your childhood?
- Giver will answer: “This experience is similar/different than my childhood because…”
Summarize
- Receiver will summarize all that has been shared so far (the appreciation, plus the feelings, plus the childhood connection): What I’ve heard you say is…. Did I leave anything out?
- Giver can either add or clarify the summary.
- Receiver will continue to mirror & check in until the Giver feels like you get it.
Closure & Switch Roles
- Giver will end with gratitude: Thank you for listening to me.
- Receiver will end with gratitude & reflection: “Thank you for sharing your appreciation with me. What moved me about it was…”
- Now would be an option to switch roles.
Harville Hendrix Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt Ph.D. who developed The Appreciation Dialogue, are internationally-respected couple’s therapists, educators, speakers, and New York Times bestselling authors. Together, they have written over 10 books with more than 4 million copies sold, including the timeless classic, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples.
Hopefully after engaging in The Appreciation Dialogue you will notice an increase in connection, safety, understanding and the FELT EXPERIENCE of intimacy with your partner. This is a call to action for all couples to give it a try and let me know how it goes!
*A note about mirroring: Mirroring is an active listening technique where you reflect back (like a flat mirror) what someone is communicating. This can include verbal communication (repeating/paraphrasing back what someone says), as well as non-verbal communication (matching body language, tone, eye contact, gestures). The idea is to reflect someone’s message & demeanor as way of paying close attention which allows you to build connection, demonstrate understanding and encourage deeper exploration within the safety that is being conveyed. Mirroring can take practice so no worries if it takes some getting used to- it can be difficult at first to set your own thoughts & responses aside to gently reflect someone elses.
Leanna Immel, LMFT, blends somatic and relationally-oriented therapies into her practice. Welcoming adults, teens and couples of all identities who are ready and eager to break cycles and start their therapeutic journey. If you’re ready to dive into the choppy waters of therapy, and find some relief, reach out today.
