Oftentimes when you come to a certain place in couples therapy where wounds start to heal and past hurts begin to wane- there is a spaciousness that emerges (okay, well it was always there but the awareness of it often shifts). This is your relational field. The WE that exists. The sacred third thing. The intersect of your venn diagram. The energetic overlap.

It is in this space that pain, disappointments, resentments, annoyances could normally, and easily, creep in. Because that is what you’ve been used to. However, as those strong negative feelings fade, something still must fill the space of your relationship.

This is where joy comes in!

In Imago Relationship Therapy, they talk about reclaiming the joy, pleasure, and the capacity for positivity that is inherent in all of us, and is the birthright of our relationships (side note: thanks to Pixar for making Joy such a central character in Inside Out, emphasizing the significance Joy plays in all of us). When the pain/sadness/anger ebbs, the next step forward is to fill the void with pleasure as a way to combat negativity bias and old patterns, and increase aliveness.

If you’re finding yourself in this phase of your relationship, congratulations! The conscious choice to seek aliveness is a beautiful opportunity to deepen intimacy, resilience, connection, and romance.

In a recent lecture I attended, one IRT therapist translated author Ingrid Fetell Lee’s Aesthetics for Joy (which, as a designer, she originally focused on tangible qualities of the world) to center on how joy can be observed and cultivated within the relational realm.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

So, are you ready for joy? Here are 10 Aesthetics for Joy, reimagined for your relationship:

1. Energy: This is about vibrancy, the experience of aliveness, bright colors, and revitalization. In your relationship this is the focus on arousal and excitement- the aim to seek something titillating, exhilarating, or thrilling together.

2. Abundance: Refers to the quantity, variety, and multiplicity of options which suggests vast richness and fullness. It can mean to embody a perspective of gratitude and appreciation for all that is provided in the relationship (emotionally, mentally, materially, physically, sexually, etc), it is a feast for the senses. Praising this generously, with abandon can illuminate the gift of your relationship.

3. Freedom: Without constraint, open, wild, and unobstructed. In your relationship this is the ability to explore, grow, and evolve without judgement, criticism or restraint. This could look like taking on opportunities or new experiences together with the spirit of curiosity and delight, without attachment to outcome or results- perhaps straying away from the manmade world and into the realm of nature, the arts or new endeavors.

4. Harmony: Symmetry, balance, rhythm, predictability. Creating harmony in your relationship will feel like safety and prioritizing each other’s wellbeing. You can achieve this through meaningful dialogue (Imago can help with this!) and everyday habits of connection, such as a enjoying a morning coffee together, offering a goodbye kiss as you both go out into the day, sending a check-in text, or sharing thoughtfully with one another over a meal. However you bring order, care, and balance will enhance your relational harmony.

5. Play: This is a sense of ease, effortlessness, spontaneity, and fun! Connecting with your inner child, play is the ability to let go of time and be fully absorbed into the imaginative, creative, exploratory space created intrinsically between the two of you. Relational play can happen in sexual and non-sexual contexts and may include elements of make-believe, improvisation, role play, and games.

6. Surprise: Joyful surprises break the monotony of our routines, patterns, and preconceived notions. Perceiving your partner and your relationship as something to be enjoyed, happy surprises can re-invigorate the tediousness that often accompanies modern adult life. These small acts of kindness and unexpected delights can help keep the relational boredom at bay. The key is knowing what types of surprises your partner finds the most joyful!

7. Transcendence: This is a shift in perspective that takes you above and beyond the human realm. A release of personal ego, this is a reminder of our spiritual nature. As with all things, the way your relationship encounters a transcendent experience will be unique. It could be as simples as gazing up at the clouds in awe. However together you find the place in your hearts and minds to go beyond yourselves and experience the vast beingness you are part of is up to you.

8. Magic: Optical illusions and mysteries of the natural world leave us in awe and discovery. Magic is often associated with a childlike quality of wonder that opens our minds and challenges our sense of what is possible in this vast universe. It both delights and confounds us. Love is one of those magical qualities- ineffable yet universal, transformational and ever-present. How do you see the magic of love working in your relationship?

9. Celebration: Rejoice! An often communal act, celebration is a way to honor something or someone through a variety merrymaking customs- singing, dancing, eating, gifting, laughing, and gathering. Prioritizing the act of acknowledging and praising your partner is a way to witness and share the in the joy that is their life. How do they best like to celebrate birthdays, holidays, promotions, or other major milestones?

10. Renewal: Present in the cycles of nature, and fleeting moments that ebb and flow; renewal reminds us of the constant expansion, contraction, shifting, and dynamism of the living world. Restoring and reconnecting to the rhythmic essence of what it means to be among the living and dying can look like slowing down in meditation, reflection, retreat, breath, and joint solitude. How can you invite in an introspective quality within the space between the two of you? Where can you go that’s a quiet place, both physically and mentally?

Hopefully this list will inspire you to seek out new ways to infuse joy into your relationship- this wondrous, sublime quality that helps us feel most fully alive. As always, I’d love to hear the creative ways you are approaching life, love and what it means to be human!

I’ll leave you with this quote from Emily McDowell:

please know this:

love & joy & fun

are your original

factory settings.

in a world filled with

tragedy and pain,

to commit to your joy

is a revolution.

and you were born

to be a

revolutionary.

-Love (via Emily McDowell)

Leanna Immel, LMFT, enjoys working with couples who want to take an interest in the deeper levels of their relationship. Sometimes due to a major upset (infidelity or grief, for example) or sometimes due to years of just getting by, couples find themselves stuck, upset, or lonely, and seeking clarity & connection. If you’re ready to dive into the choppy waters of relationship counseling, find some relief, and ultimately joy, reach out today.